• Mel Hack

How to become immune against the love bomb

Updated: Apr 21

To me, my time is a luxury,

and it's free.

With my given time

I can do whatever I choose to.

When someone tries to hurry me

or is all too occupying,

I'm becoming cautious.

It's just not normal

when somebody is all into

you right up front,

before they even know you.

Same as vice versa,

idealizing others

is just dismissing reality.

Trust has to be earned.

And trust is built

by people communicating clearly

and respectful,

and actually doing

what they say.

It would happen quite often that I met a new person and they pursued me in a pretty direct way. And a part of me liked it. A huge part, actually that part that is significantly responsible for my decisions. It felt nice to be wanted. Like really wanted. And I didn't think further about it. I just bathed in this prickling shower of attention and opened up to that person directing their affection towards me.

But if I’m totally honest, there always was this tiny little sting of something being off. A discomfort. A subtle pressure. A confusing brain fog. And intensity! Tremendous, mesmerizing, hot intensity. This electric, magical, attractive chemistry. It was nearly like a spell... I didn’t mind being put on me. It felt dangerous! But in such an exciting way I couldn’t say no to it. This was an adventure! It was great to have something that captivating I could focus on and surrender to. Gladly I let myself be dragged away... Until - it’s enough. Until you feel this undivided attention could - and should - get dived at times. It becomes like a sticky sweet on your butt because you rested too long on a chair with unwrapped candy on it. So you try to remove it. And it becomes a mess. Your fingers get gooey, too, and if you even manage to remove the sweet ‘butt-on’ it leaves an even more clammy stain. And everyone is pissed.


It can never be enough for you. You eat from this nurturing admiration and become comfortable. This person provides you with all you want and always wished for, so that’s all you need. You become lazy in looking after yourself. They make you happy! What else could you want? Yeah, and then we become dependant. Because as soon as this person withdraws only a tiny bit, it hurts. They obviously take away from your nourishment. And let’s be honest - who’s capable of maintaining such a high level of adoring and support over the long run? After they won you over, they will chill, too. And you are confused. What changed? Do they not like you anymore? You try to get back what once was, and the other person feels judged and chased. They become defensive, and even more dismissive. And everyone is pissed.

I had quite some people love bombing me.

At some point, it began to creep me out immediately. The admiration didn’t feel right anymore. I sensed disruptive discomfort. For a while, I couldn’t sort out why. Very long, I thought it’d be because I made bad experiences with abusers. I believed now I might have become defensive, mistrusting, and overly cautious. I pushed myself to ‘allow love’ - although I didn’t feel really comfortable. I felt pushed and like I kind of owed something to the person pursuing me. I thought the resistance I felt stemmed from that I’m not used to someone actually being really nice to me after all.

And then I heard about ‘nice guys’. Who shower you with loads of kindness, care, and attention in order to get their girl of desire. I understood that all of this effort has to lead somewhere. And if it doesn’t there must be something wrong. With the other person, of course. It was exactly what I believed for so long - that I just struggle with receiving love. I don’t think though that this tactic is exclusively a ‘guy’ thing. Everybody does that. I did that, too.

But what became most important to me was this - what all of this is REALLY about is this:

Basically, it is about trusting myself - first.

I needed to learn that I can trust my perceptions and feelings. If something feels off, something IS off. And what do I do then? I pause. I exit the situation and observe. And I’m taking as much time for it as I need to. I feel, I write, I meditate. This helps me to connect with myself, acknowledge my sensations, translate them into what I think is going on with me, and figure out what to do that protects my peace the best.

My validation, confirmation, and evaluation of my perceptions are my measurement and base for any action.

I absolutely need that I can rely on them. This is the steady ground I’m standing on and interacting from. And if someone tries to distract me from this, rush into something, or convince me of something else - this can not be in my best interest.

And the earlier I realize someone is trying to do this, the better. How to do so? That was so complicated to me. But basically, it is not so complicated. The challenge is to follow through with what we understand. If words and actions of the other person don’t align, there’s something off. If you feel your needs and intentions are constantly disregarded, it’s not okay. You obviously do have not the space in this relationship you deserve. I believe it’s that simple.

The feeling that something’s off is pretty confusing and uncomfortable. And unwelcome. Everything was just so fine! Why this now? I want it to be like it was, please. It’s hard to bear and hard to look at. So we mostly tend to push it away, suppress it, justify the behavior. I want to encourage you. Although it can be frightening and demanding - it’s never as terrible we think it is, and eventually, it’s always liberating. I promise.

I wanna cover another aspect, that dives deeper into this feeling of discomfort. Often we cannot name it. But I discovered it comes from that subconscious feeling this other person has a desperate gap they think I can fulfill. They terribly need me (but mostly they’d never admit). It has in fact an abusive character. Not to malignify this person, they are in pain and driven by many fears. But actually, they are in survival mode and if necessary they’ll drag you underwater with them. You feel this. I felt it, too. And we need to listen to this, take it seriously, take OURSELVES seriously, and put our wellbeing on top of any other else’s. I think first I was the all too comfortable person before I became the creeped-out runaway person.

And now I feel like I’m morphing into the person who learns how to not engage with people like this in the first place.

When someone immediately is all over me, it doesn’t attract me anymore. My connection with my body became better, so I detect the discomfort quicker and value it. It’s just not possible, that someone is that much into me without knowing me at all. This is not de-romanticizing love. But love has to grow. We can like a person we just met, but they need to prove what we project on them. Only because there was an instant connection doesn’t mean we are meant for each other. There are so many factors why this person may not be a match for us. They may be not ready, looking for something else, in another relationship, or it might not be the right timing. Or so much else. Trying to make something work, no matter what it really actually IS, is dismissing reality and self-harming.

Love is fluid. It comes easy. We don’t have to fight for it or to prove ourselves. We don’t owe anything to anybody. Love is tender and respectful. Also when there’s conflict. Love is reliable and offers space. Love listens and is eager to understand. Love wants to acknowledge and support. Love is wanting the other person to be as fulfilled as we are ourselves. Love is mindful and empathic.

Love is the awareness that by hurting others I hurt myself.

And this does not just explode out of eye contact. It can start with it though.

It’s understandable that often it’s still difficult to let go. Letting go of hopes or images, of pictures we had of being together is mostly hard.

Especially when we ourselves are in a place of despair and neediness, it’s not a good moment to build new connections.

Our view is blurred and our decisions inevitably will be compromised. Decisions need to be made out of a place of peace, rather than being based on fear.

Fantasizing beyond what you actually see in front of you is what feeds projections and unrealistic visions. Dream about what they actually give you a reason for. Do they talk about traveling with you? And you feel a full-body yes to it? Do they intend actions leading to the trip? Are they accountable and do they include your wishes, skills, and opinions? Only then it’s appropriate to start visualizing the journey.

Cause communication is key. Do they communicate their needs clearly or do you rather feel pushed, drawn, and dragged in the direction they wanna have you at? Do you feel needs but they don’t voice them? This is a sign someone is afraid of being vulnerable.

As long as we haven’t learned about our own boundaries yet, we don’t know how to deal with others’.

There’s fear of receiving a no. So they don’t even ask. But try to get you to do what they need there anyway, without havening to tell you. But also the chance of saying no is taken away from you. It might appear like you don’t have a choice. But you always have. Although it might feel like it would be tremendously rude. But that’s the point of manipulation. Again, I don’t wanna demonize people. We all act out of a place of desperate needs when we are manipulative. It’s horrible to get manipulated, but we all do it. And we do it unconsciously, without bad intentions. We just lack the capacity to understand any other’s needs or feelings, because ours are so woundedly and horribly unfulfilled.

And I’m not talking about expectations. I’m talking about needs.

This is important to me because it’s way easier to express an expectation - aka “I’m entitled to this, you have to do that”- or be humble and admit I’m actually having an unmet need or wish, like “I’m feeling like this and I need you to do that.” Asking “Can you do that?” is vulnerable. The person can possibly say no, and we are left with an unmet desire or need. If we haven’t learned how to deal with such situations we easily feel rejected, dismissed, or abandoned. So that’s what I mean by the importance of clear, honest communication. Just saying something is not it. Does it make sense what a person says, regarding the actual actions, is there alignment?

Actually, for me this is what creates the most of safety -

I feel like I can rely on that person. They’re going to do what they say they would, and be who they say they are. I even noticed that often people extraordinarily draw a certain picture of them, describing themselves in detail to create an accurate image of how they wanna be seen. This is a signal to me, that they have to because they’re afraid you could find out about the real person they are (when their actions are your only information). Mostly the things they say they are not - are the exact thing they are. This, too, is a manipulative tactic.

“My time is precious to me”,

I wrote in the beginning. And I’m spending it only with people I really feel beautiful with. Sometimes I asked myself why I still seem to attract people with toxic behavior. But I understand in order to spend quality time with others it’s about me - choosing the right people I’m feeling fluid, safe and blissful with. Who doesn’t respect that, or shames me for it, has no place in my life.

I’m holding space for love.

And therefore have to choose wisely what, in fact, IS love and what’s not to and keep the space clean and accessible.

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