More THAN A HOME
Updated: Feb 23, 2021
I could spend my days alone all the time.
Observing what’s going on. Reflecting, thinking. Researching, writing, doing art about it. I’m my own family. I have none. No parents and my children have their own drama to solve. I support them, but I don’t have that support system. I have therapists and help from the government. And out of this, I create what I want in my life. But I have no one who’s there for me no matter what.
Offices have opening times and my friends wouldn’t necessarily be there for me. Because they can’t. For many reasons. And that’s fine. But I’m tired of trying.
Yes, sometimes I’m sad.
When I see others being together, and the deep bond is so obvious. I’m happy for everyone who has that. And I’m okay not having this. But sometimes I’m sad, that maybe this is not for me. And that’s okay, too. So that’s why I enjoy my own company so much. I have no one I can rely on. Only myself. When I come out of my shell I feel like a newborn baby. It’s cold, I feel exposed and unfamiliar. It’s uncomfortable and often frightening. It’s beautiful, too, blessings.
Mostly I feel I go out to learn. And then I need to return to my nest to process that. I wanna learn so that I can go outside more often and feel safer. Being alone feels the safest. Being outside feels unsafe. It’s exhausting. I need to be aware of everything possible. My senses are hyper-attentive, my nervous system on permanent alert. It’s like sneaking through a beautiful jungle, where you don’t know yet what dangers can lure round the corner. And of course, I often get a bit from snakes, stung by scorpions, hit by falling coconuts, and I fall, stuck in holes and entangled loops in the ground. I have no family to go to, and being taken care of my wounds.
But I learned to do this for myself.
And I learn. I learn how to watch my feet. I learn where the scorpions are. I learn how to defend myself from snakes. And I learn to not walk under coconut trees at certain times. I’m often tempted to take some being at home I’m finding outside. And sometimes I invite them. Because I don’t wanna have to leave my safe space. But finding that the leaf is in fact a parasite or the branch is a snake, taught me to be more careful. I still feel like I don’t understand the world outside enough to feel like I can thrive there. I trust too much and too quickly. I’m too careless. I like climbing, but forget that I’m afraid of height. And there’s no one who helps me get down again.
Who’s teaching me?
I’m not a Mowgli raised by wolves. I wished I would be. Cause my instincts and intuition are all I have. This is the only thing I can trust deeply. So I sit and connect with my wise mother, ask her for advice and guidance. I have conversations with mama moon. Maybe I should ask her more often.
I could spend all my days like this. But the moments of sadness make me go outside. My curiosity makes me wanna explore. And a knowing that there’s more for me than only sitting in my beautiful nest. I know this intuitional wisdom is powerful and needs to be shared, which means it’s growing even more. I know that I deserve to experience more than solitude - togetherness, belonging. And I sense that even my shell wants to be filled with
more love than only from myself.