On the receiving end
What the hell are we thinking when we’re wishing for something? How do we picture it to happen? How does it look in our minds to achieve it, to get this thing eventually?
I don’t know how you tick, but I imagined myself with a bright shining smile, receiving the goodness of life naturally, whilst feeling deep joy and fulfillment. I certainly did NOT think about shock, fear, anxiety. And here I am, working years for the life I’m longing for and receiving this abrupt, important, big, fat gift just today. I'm starting to study art therapy and health counselor for psychotherapy. In three days. Like if someone would’ve just emptied a bag of heavy goodies over my head out of nothing.
And I feel hit. Like ‘wait! that was too quick, I wanted to prepare!’ I don’t feel ready. The new scares me. Because it’s unknown. I’m afraid I’m not enough, I cannot make it, I could fail. And I’m very aware that - with all the beauty and magic I was wishing for - it will not be easy.
Why do I focus on the possible difficulties? Where is this thing I was wishing for? It seems to have disappeared in the troubling fog of uncertainty. Worrying is consuming. I feel that. I don’t wanna continue thinking about the bad what-ifs. I wanna envision the great what-ifs! What if I have a great first day at the university? What if there are cool people in my class? What if it’s not as stressful as I thought? What if I feel bursting energetic because I love it so much? What if I’d wish I could’ve started even earlier?
What if I just embrace what’s given to me?
I learned to embrace the shit I had to deal with. Time to learn to welcome the good, too. To adapt to the good. Accepting a serious bite of abundance. I learned to make something out of nothing. As I’m not used to big gifts, I wanna learn how to receive them and to use them.
But why is this so scary? Calm down, dear soul. You are just not used to living in a state where you don’t have to constantly worry. You need to learn to trust. You don’t know things (and people) that stay. Life has been very unstable for you. But there are long-term things. Real things. Profound things. There’s stuff you can rely on. But there's to find out. And you must go. You must put a foot on that bridge. Don’t look too much into the abyss. Take your time, there’s no rush. This bridge is given to you. This way opened up for you. And it will lead you to even more. Yes, you might be afraid. You may feel like you can’t stick through. And that’s the hard part. But you can do this. And you will. Just start ..
What the hell was I thinking? Cause I thought something. Something tremendously beautiful. Or rather I FELT something. That deep longing for what I’m made for and where my story led me to. In all this turmoil I’m turning towards myself. Listening to the voice of my dreams, who celebrates the good news, and roots for me. That's the voice that matters. I know what I was thinking. But I don't know what's coming. I just open up for the good.
And go ..