• Mel Hack


Updated: Feb 24, 2021

In my life, I remember often being asked if I’m cold. And I mostly was surprised...

‘What gives you that idea?’ ‘You have goosebumps.’ ‘Oh.. I don’t know, but no, actually I’m not cold.’

Very much later I observed that I’ve absolutely been freezing in those moments! Only I didn’t recognise, because I didn’t sense it. Obviously my body seems to need an outstandingly intense tease of sensation to consciously detect it.

How shall I notice and understand what I need and what damages me, if I sense not enough which would provide me the information how to interpret this?

How shall I accept a jacket in good conscious if I’m basically 'not cold enough'? Other people feel their needs and borders earlier. Those are the people who have their jacket with them.

By abuse and violence in my childhood and youth I learned to numb myself. Thanks to the strict religion I didn’t slip into any addictions to alcohol, cigarettes or drugs. Maybe a subtle eating disorder. I learned excellently to control myself, my body. For adjusting to my essential addiction - letting myself abuse. Cause this offered me the only tiny bit of loving attention.

I’m pathologically addicted to let myself abuse.

Until today.

I let myself abuse from employers, from partners, let myself exploit from friends, family and acquaintances. Even when I can feel, see, that it harms me, I can’t generate the power to end it. I literally provide myself for it. When I love I’m particularly ready to carry it to the extremest edge, or even beyond.

And the ‘right’ people are finding me, dead sure.

People with an abusive misbehaviour. And the remaining, the truly ‘good’ beings, they’ve no chance to know. Since I want to be abused. For I do not know any other kind of affection, in as much as it’s impossible for me to imagine. So I pretend to be okay. All fine, no worries, I’ll get along.

How should they know that it’s not true when I even don’t notice it myself?

This insight leads me to realise myself as unviable.

I am destructive towards myself in the worst manner. How should I make good decisions, which are healthy and making me happy? I’m not capable to build up a provident, fulfilled life. Recurrently I will find myself again in the addiction, which in the best case provides me some small crumbs of love, but eventually suck me dry and then leaves my lying empty and destroyed.

Still, I learned a lot through the addiction.

Diplomacy, perseverance, resilience, creativity, discipline, empathy, helpfulness. But all of these skills I use only to serve others, it's not about benefitting myself. It doesn’t help me to make myself happy, cause I apply it only to serve others . And this such excessive manner, that there’s nothing left for me.

With addictive substances you remove the drug.

Does this mean that I have to be alone for some time? To not expose myself to any people to whom I would probably offer myself for saturation? Or do I need exposure therapy?

To heal in isolation is heavy. To believe even in healing at all is not easy for me. And when I focus on my sensations right now, than I perceive a strong yearn for closeness and company. How’s it possible to unite all of this?

I only know one thing for sure - my soul is freezing.

Can you please borrow me your jacket?

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