The pain of walking away
Therapeutic writing is such a beautiful tool! I love this, love to surrender to the flow of words,
rooted in the subconscious, following where it leads me to, opening up for every possible destination. Writing is my way tool to observe, research, analyze myself, like a view from the outside, yet from the inside. But writing is not always pleasure. Sometimes it hurts. Like here ...
I'm realizing that with some friends I cannot walk any further. We want to be together but we're heading in different directions. And when I wanna check on them, I have to leave my route. We cannot really understand each other. They notice that I'm somewhere else and running the distance to them is exhausting for me. My love feels good to them but they feel bad about my inconveniences.
It's interesting I picture this situation only from the perspective that I am at theirs to connect. Not they at mine. And maybe that's the matter. They are deeply involved in their process, and can barely see mine. I understand this. But I need this. I can understand them, because I've been there. And sometimes I am there again. But that's not where I wanna be and hang. I wanna move away from this, I'm on my way outta here. They need to find their time and way out of it themselves. If they want to. Cause not everyone wants to or can. My way isn't necessarily their way. I can tell them how I did it, but they gotta go and do it themselves. I gave them all the love I could. But I'm not their coach. I wanna have a friendship. And I have my own life to manage and need to follow my destination.
I don't wanna say that I'm more mature than them, or further ahead on my path. Maybe I am, but that's not the point. I don't feel superior about it. I feel the deepest compassion for my beloved. I empathize with their battles and success. They were mine, and at times still are. And that's why this discrepancy is so hard to accept. I know how it feels to be abandoned in that moment. It's the worst fear and deepest pain.
There's no competition on our journeys, no comparison, and therefore no judgment. But I see and feel it's not working together anymore. It's sad. Because this doesn't mean I don't like them anymore, or don't care. I rather see I can't do anything further, I can't really help them. And I miss being met where I am, too.
Accepting these truths is painful. But it's a matter of fact no one can deny. Keeping on trying to make it work despite it all only makes it worse.
I can not walk with you anymore, sweeties.
That sucks, and hurts. I wish I could. I really tried, for a long time. But neglecting the truth is not helping anyone. I love you. But we need to let go of each other. From the bottom of my heart I wish you the best. All the happiness, fulfillment and luck you are longing for. I will keep on thinking of you, and sending you love, ease and peace of soul. Be blessed, beautiful people. We got this.