the unbearable insignificance of being
of being alone
is not about
having no company.
It’s not loneliness.
of being alone
Invisible. Unremarkable. Exchangeable. One of many. An option. Questionably relevant. Ouch. That hurts. That’s the pain. Being alone - even being lonely - is not that much of a problem. I surely know how to spend quality time with myself and take good care of myself.
But.. if I have something beautiful to celebrate, or if I cannot sleep at night - who cares? Sometimes I doubt if I matter much. Of course, I would be missed, I guess if I would leave. But seriously - how long would it take until someone notices? And still, I don’t believe that would affect the lives of others very much eventually. There are those moments they think about me. Those moments they text me ‘Heya, how're ya doin’? Up for something?’ But meanwhile, everybody lives their lives, and if they don’t feel like they need someone (or me), nobody would realize I’m gone.
Sure, when I meet with friends we exchange our experiences and we are quite empathetic. We open up, we listen, we sense, we hug. But it is only a moment. I’m asking myself if that makes us really a part of each other’s lives. And about hard times we only talk in retrospect. It’s rather unlikely somebody would reach out in a moment of despair.
So apparently we go through such times alone. If we make it or break down, no one sees. Of course, we know, in the end, we’ll make it. But the fact that no one pays attention is why we feel insignificant. Sometimes it seems all pointless .. for what reason do we fight so hard? We want somebody to share it with! Someone who resonates and vibes with us.
These thoughts can lead to the conclusion that we are ‘needy’. It’s a common image with which we’re easily and quickly linked and printed. No one wants to be that. But the truth lies deeper. We wanna share everything. We wanna be interesting to somebody, not only for a night, not only for a fun time. We wanna share ourselves, in our holistic essence. This permanent desperate search for attention basically is the urge to be seen, to be captivating as a person, and to be valued in all our special imperfections.
It’s about meaning. What do our successes mean to us? What do we do with it, alone? Sitting in the kitchen with a glass of wine, cheering to ourselves? Going to a bar in the seek for random encounters? That might work for one night, but for the next occasion, I start from point zero again. Even more difficult with the failures. The disappointments, the losses. To name it - we sit alone with our emotions. There’s no one there who wants to know. We’re concerned, we’re too much, don’t wanna be a burden. But we feel, we burst - because sometimes feelings need more of a container than only but ourselves. We must have the space to flow over. A safe space that can and wants to hold us. And this can have many varieties and facets. And sometimes we’re just tired that we have to specifically reach out to be met because there's not already a profound connection. This lack of connection, or space, planted the idea that we are too much with our emotions, that our lives are only bearable in a limited range, in portioned moments. That we’re not relevant enough to bother someone.
Why is that? Why this lack when we all need it so desperately?
I believe - because some folks are only taking. Consuming the space we hold for them without offering some for us. We know them, we had those experiences. It hurts deeply. Us, reaching out, questioning if there’s actually space for us, too, for who we are. And in hope that will happen one day, we give, hold space for others, listen, care, not daring to claim space for our truth - only for being abandoned. They took from us what we have, what we could afford, and mostly even more than that. We’re left empty and hurt. Robbed. And left alone with our painful emotions, crumbled, once more.
To make this clear - I do not mean that we don’t have to take responsibility for our emotions or blame it on others. How they ‘make’ us feel. The basis from what I’m saying must be us, owning what we feel, and being clear about our desires and boundaries. But it’s a normal human need that we wanna bond in this with others. That we can be seen in this and share our truth.
Does somebody actually care for my well-being? Do I matter to someone? I can work on myself and my self-care and self-love as much as I want - but I will never be capable of being to myself what every person needs from another individual.
It’s okay to feel lonely at times. That’s not the point. I think as a mature, self-reflected person we all understand the organic flow of life with its ups and downs in its uncontrollable character.
I want someone who stays. Who not only tries to connect when they need me, rather continuously fostering that connection to be sustainable. Yes, we all need reliable bonds with other beings. But everything stands or falls with our own ability to hold the same space for others we’re seeking for. In regard to their needs. And therefore I need to invest in getting to know those other individuals in the many colors they are. Don’t be lazy. Don’t be selfish. Don’t be a fool. The connection only is possible when we offer at the same level as we want.
So how significant am I to you? Am I more interesting than filling the hole in your heart, for the swift moment you’re ready to receive? Then I prefer my own company over yours. Cause I can ongoingly hold space for who I am and what I feel - better than you can do for me.